Author: Christy

Originally published on February 4, 2009.

Went to the Wines of Israel trade tasting today. It was actually a very pleasant tasting. Plenty of room, enough people that it didn’t feel empty, but not so crowded that you had to fight for your chance at the spit buckets. I think there were about 20 or so wineries attending, which seems to be a good number in terms of actually being able to try most of the wines in a couple hours.

This sort of trade tasting seems to hold a certain fascination for people outside the industry. There are exclusive events where members of the special wine industry clan gather and sip rare wines from around the world while chatting with the demi-gods who grow the grapes and bottle the juice. And they take place during daylight hours….on weekdays…for free! Drinking free wine during daylight hours on a weekday…that’s living the dream!

Luckily for those who want to live the dream, you can usually get into these tastings simply by walking in like you belong there. But once you have your glass in hand, here are a few pointers to help you act like you really do belong.

1. You MUST spit. Image 20 tables with 5 wines per table. That’s 100 wines. And that’s a very small tasting. If you don’t spit, you’ll get drunk very very quickly and will stick out like a very sore thumb. And every one will remember you…because there are really only about 100 people in the wine industry and we all have very good memories…because we SPIT!
2. Bring a toothbrush. Because your teeth will turn a lovely shade of purple and once you leave the safety of the event hall, people will look at you oddly if you have purple teeth.
3. Don’t count on eating at the tasting…unless you really like crackers and picked-over cheese platters.
4. If you want people to think you work in the on-trade (aka, a restaurant), wear a suit and tie. And speak French. If you want people to think you work in the off-trade (aka, a store) wear anything you like, just make sure it’s covered in dust.
5. Map out where the really old, expensive stuff is. Go to those tables first. Return to those tables as often as you like, but don’t think the people pouring the wine aren’t on to you. They fully realize it’s your fifth time asking for “just a little taste” and they will talk about you after the event.
6. Understand that the person behind the table pouring the wine may not actually know anything about the wine. Sometimes it’s the actual winemaker manning the table (who knows everything but may not be able to tell you because he can’t speak English). And sometimes it’s a distributor sales rep (who may know nothing but will make it up anyway.)
7. Don’t take the collateral material on the tables. You know you’re going to throw it away when you get home, so just leave it there and let it look pretty.
8. Did I mention that spitting is mandatory? It is…unless you’re trying something fabulously rare and old and absolutely wonderful. Because really, why live the dream if you can’t actually drink the wine.

That toothbrush however, that is mandatory.

Originally published on January 10, 2009.

If you really want to open a wine store, I highly recommend working for someone else before you take the plunge. Better to make those silly mistakes on someone else’s dime! But if you insist on jumping right in, here are some tips (many may be New York-centric, but that’s all I have to go on):

1. That side walk in front of the store….it’s your own little piece of paradise. You get to sweep away the garbage that lands on it, shovel the snow that falls on it, put salt on it, hope no one trips on it and sues you. If this hasn’t already occurred to you, it will after the first big snow fall when you notice the sidewalks to the left and and right of your store are cleared. You’ll wonder why the magic snow gnomes ignored your address…and then you’ll suddenly realize you are the magic snow gnome. And the you’ll go buy a snow shovel.

2. Counting out a cash register is a skill. It may seem easy to count bills and coins, but for some reason, it’s very difficult. I’ve seen plenty of smart people nearly break into tears because the register is $10 short and they can’t figure out why. If they would just remember that a roll of quarters is worth $10, not $20, they would be much happier. But you have to count out about 54 registers before this becomes second nature.

3. You’ll need to pay someone to take away your garbage. The city doesn’t extend this courtesy to business owners. Many businesses can just “borrow” their neighboring store’s service. This doesn’t work for wine stores – there’s just too much cardboard involved.

4. You’ll need to pay someone to clean your windows. Don’t even consider trying to do it yourself. You may think you can peel that tape off the window from the place where you hung that sign, but you really can’t.

5. A manual credit card machine could be the most important piece of equipment in the store. The day your merchant services network goes down for 5 hours due to flooding in Texas, do you really want to lose hundreds of dollars in sales because you were too lazy to order a $25 knuckle buster? No, you do not. That’s why this is the first purchase you make.

6. Those fancy wooden boxes that some wines come in are the biggest pain in the ass. There is no other way to put it. People who don’t work at wine shops love these boxes. Put one out on the sidewalk and it will be gone within 4 minutes. But wine store people hate these boxes. You need tools to open them. A screwdriver to force open the lid. A hammer to pound down all the stray nails. Pounding down these nails is especially important because if you don’t do it, the people who take these boxes from the sidewalk in front of your store will cut themselves. And then they’ll sue you because as you’ll recall, that piece of sidewalk is your responsibility.

7. Posting a “closed” sign on the door does not mean the store is closed. Turning the lights off does not mean the store is closed. Even locking the door doesn’t mean closed. Really, if a customer can see you in the store, even if you’re standing in the pitch dark with your coat on and a key in your hand, you are not really closed. At least not at Frankly Wines. I just feel too guilty denying customers their wine. So if I really want to be closed, I hide underneath the counter or count out in the bathroom. When I’m done, I make a run for it.

I know there are plenty more, but I’m closed. Really close – lights-out-coat-on-key-in-the-hand-making-a-run-for-it CLOSED!